Bitchhface

yesnomaybeso

2009-07-10T05:55:42Z

and then.

someone told me to take one day at a time.
i have
its changed my life.
i took things too seriously. i forgot the whole meaning of life,,,, that there isnt a whole meaning of life.
i got carried away with everything that doesnt matter. however i got to this point isnt significant now.
so ill make a masterpiece. ill call it the revelation and it will be this moment.
i want energetic and glittering tension. i want goodmornings and goodnights. i want wiggling toes and gasping mouths and orange juice.
but i am no mary poppins and those are old paintings i cant jump back into. they were created and now they are still life, stuck in the moment, never alive again. thats okay, because this moment is different, but it is new and new is exciting and intriguing.
i guess everything takes some getting used to. i guess what i used to get can no longer be got. but there is more and more and endlessly more
hey you, there is a then and it is coming.

until then
i dont mind because
i just cant get enough

i miss people playing with my feet

2009-07-01T16:13:15Z

its called a breakup because something is broken. its true. ive been reading all my entries when things were one piece and strong. when i had your doors shirt as a token of love. now youve got it, and its just a old black shirt with a really great band plastered on the front. and that makes my heart sink a little bit, because what a comfortable shirt that was. but ive got other shirts, that have been around longer and have more experience and loyalty than that shirt wanted to give, ever. when things really need to work out, they do. at first I felt like Christopher Columbus must have. I thought there was an edge and my dropping off completely was imminent. But ive been exploring the world and its defiantly round and pregnant with opportunity. Opportunity that has much more potential than my ex-life. So im not scared. Its not the last 4, maybe 6 months im going to miss. its the late nights with marijuana and work uniforms and silliness, its the many bed sheets, its the first trips with wiggling toes, the long drives with vocal chords taunt, the chicago. ive got a nice joint here, so cheers!
for a long time what i saw as my reality and what i wanted my reality to be were mismatched, eyesight fogged. i was waiting for a change and here it is. and i feel it all, the bitter salt and tumbling leaving me upside down gasping for air. but 80% of the time im riding those waves like a pro! lifes like a garden and ive got to weed it out, let the flowers bloom with brilliance and really smell the roses!

Ive got to give an informational speech. I decided to do it on the positives of marijuana use. so im going to be standing in-front of my class preaching about weed, im pretty excited. prolly have a little sesh before my big performance haha anyway, if anyone has any thing that could help id really appreciate it. i really believe in this and want to spread the wordd

"there must be quite a few things a hot bath cant cure, but I dont know many of them"

"im not drunk im just happy"

2009-06-29T00:27:09Z

you know when youve been having a day that makes your heart feel like a soggy sponge and then someone does something and you absorb so much love you dont know what to do with it. well thats what im feeling now. jose is one of the best friends i have ever met, not to mention the best male ive ever met.

birthdays were the worst days, now i sip champagne when im thirstayy, uh!
-biggie

bitchhface @ 2009-06-24T10:59:00

2009-06-24T15:01:38Z

ive packed a change of clothes and its time to move on

Robert Frost

2009-06-19T14:59:08Z

"Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length"

i am a road.

2009-06-08T22:21:51Z

life has been fresh and delicious lately. i dont know. i guess ive felt suffocated for a while and now im really smellin the roses. or something like that. maybe my roses are just now blooming for a summer treat! i dont know but i got a lemondrop sunflower. its the size of a hand and a light neon yellow. i feel proud. like when a mamma looks at their daughter, i look at my lemondrop :]
really trying to get things together lately. let go of the idea of a perfect line of things and adapting to the idea of a zigzagin swirlin type life. i had to write a paper about the great gatsby and i forgot how enchanting that book is. i dont know, so powerful.thats all i do know. hopefully ill be getting my kitten soon. i hope its cute like a little peach. i put dibs on the orange one so i can hope! but really id like any furry friend. sometimes i think if i had a kitten and a hammock life would be complete. for my birthday im asking for a dog/cat, a house, a hammock, blow up furniture. thats all. haha i could go on and on but really, thats it. also, tea is delicious. its the essance of summer. the steam and a nice sunset and my feet in the wataaa
~~~~*~~~~~~
by the lost i was found.
born a footstep,
the begging of a trail.
i bleed roses, lilacs, and poppies,
the secrets of a garden crawling
threw-out.
my soil is rich with perhapses,
moistened by storms of emotion,
at first flooded;
then steaming with idea
burning with creation,
but never wasted.
i reach a clearing ad my path widens with possibility,
all the places i could go.
my scenery changes as do i,
swirling atop the earth which nourishes me
and in turn i lead someone's way.
i wind until the coast.
~*~*~*~
"the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter-tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther....And on fine morning----
So we beat on, boats against the currentm borne back ceaselessly into the past."

bitchhface @ 2009-04-27T00:17:00

2009-04-27T04:39:58Z

sometimes life seems like a collection. all the choices and we are granted one of each of the thousands of possibilties. and we are the only one who can make them for ourselves. i am here today because what i have wanted or thought i wanted. this green jacket, this color hair, this happiness, this sadness, this guilt and pride and all of it. the products of my choices. lately, ive been doing this thing where i take every aspect of my life and evaluate it. the idea of what i would bring in my bag if ever i was packing one for good. what i would leave behind. this is silly but it really puts me in persepctive. really inspires me to keep only what i want. and to accept that what i want now may not be what i want months, or even minutes from now. that i am ever changing and with that my life is going to change. my goals and aspirations, standards and morals. what i am working towards now may be useless in what i do finally become. but even then, when i have become (what does that even mean? to become? and how do i know when i have reached it?) i will be changing then too. what ive got will always be missing something and i will always be aspiring for something more (or so i hope. without aspiration, to me, life really does seem empty and meaningless) they say its a journey but even the word "journey" has this connotation of ending; from this place to that place. life is much more vague than that. and so i am here until i am there. i am happy until i am sad. i am this until i am that.
i take a chance. i choose a possibility i like. and i try and love what i choose

bitchhface @ 2009-02-06T11:48:00

2009-02-06T16:51:03Z

what are you changing
who do you think youre changing
you cant change things, were all stuck in our ways
its like trying to clean the ocean
what do you think, you can drain it
well it was poison and dry long before you came

but i still believe
and i will rise up with fists
and i will take whats mine
mine. mine.

To Be A Rock And Not To Roll

2009-01-27T18:36:40Z

oh!
irrevocable, undefinable, mysterious happiness i have missed you.
you deserted me threw fall. like leaves on the trees you fell to the ground and crunched and cracked to a million pieces, i couldn't put you together.
it is winter and you have slumbered most of the way threw. hiding from me somewhere beneath these piles of quilts and silk sheets. frozen in the icicles hanging from my car, numb and translucent to my eyes, my touch, my feel. and to feel you now!
the way sun bursts from behind the dragging clouds.
i want to gather you like flowers from the field and pile you in my basket and ride you home with me. grow you in my garden and pick you as i please. squeeze you like a lemon and drink you down, capturing you in my insides. not letting you go, wherever it is you go, again. again. again. stay with me. stay, stay
stay.

bitchhface @ 2008-12-13T23:44:00

2008-12-14T05:07:43Z

I feel it All. The youth of my mind: pink raw, fleshy. soft, impressionable. easily entertained, bouncy like a mattress juggling millions of ideas and dreams, like when i was a child jumping on my freshly made bed. i dont know why, i feel this surge of refreshment in my revelation on my youth. sometimes i just feel so bruised and old. like ive lived too many parts of too many lives to still be so young. to still turn things around. but i am wrong, i am still able to absord and grow. i need to get that tattooed somewhere in my brain. remember: change is always possible, brighter futures are always attainable. i love when i smell the happiness about me; the bittersweet of wine caressing my throat and sharpening my insides, the sound of laughter. it is such an honest emotion, that ripping throat snorting noise. so organic and seasoned by each induvidual, a song all their own. i love when i catch myself laughing, uncontrollably. when time stops and the world transfoms into like a rich acrylic blurred painting, so many hues and shadows of my life, and there i am and my pearly whites are the only thing clear, visible in my mind when i catch my smile, exposed. me. exposed. and it brightens up my life, the dim shadows and crevises snuggled in the dark are exposed and they look good, it all looks good in the light bright of happiness. of reality. of truth and honesty. of myself. myself, but not against the world, with the world. we are in on this together, me and the world. both trying for the secret to happiness. no one is against me. no force is trying to belittle me. except myself. but you are moldable. changeable. transformable. no need to envy the caterpiller who becomes a beautiful butterfly.
i have it in me
so much nearer home

bitchhface @ 2008-12-05T03:13:00

2008-12-05T08:13:18Z

im suffocating with all this h2o.
take me out of this world -- beyond air, water, land. Above planet earth. Below. A stroll threw the stars. Jet-set to Mars.
Picnics on pluto. Criss cross apple sauce, floating; a red checkerd blanket hovering beneath. Moon pies and Mojitos. Movies are so dull, weve got aliens to put on a show. Cars are so ineffiecent, lets just use our wings. Frisbee on the bossom of jupiter. Tennis on the belly of saturn. Break away from the contraints of this human breeding farm. This consent because i am flesh? no no, ill burn it off as i exit this atmosphere. What excrement fingers and toes are; clipping and cleaning beneath their yellowing shell, painting and furbishing. Hassels, hassels. How fruitless legs are without anywhere to go. Ive got my imagination to keep me afloat

bitchhface @ 2008-12-04T22:55:00

2008-12-05T03:57:28Z

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
On stars - between stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home,
To scare myself with my own desert places.

Robert Frost

2008-11-13T19:27:08Z

some say the world will end in fire,
some say in ice.
from what Ive tasted of desire
i hold with those who favor fire.
but if it had to perish twice,
i think i know enough of hate
to say that for destruction ice
is also great
and would suffice.

october 16 is feral cat day! go feed some wild starving felines

2008-10-16T00:13:49Z

When we see each other its like a crashing wave.
the mounting, gaining momentum of anticipation.
the crash of our eyes followed by our foaming, hungry lips and fumbling hands rolling over each other searching for treasure.
there are not any words because words just are not enough sometimes. ill tell you with my eyes. glittering with rejoice. ill tell you with my heartbeat, pumping faster faster. faster. slowing the time. my lips knowing every crack of your lips, my tongue every crevice of your cave.
Slow so i can learn them and memorize them and cherish them.
Slow because we've got too much time in this world but not enough of this time.

we got pumpkins and operated on them. sawing open their orange skull and scooped out all the guts and seed sperm. gave her a face lift, a new toothless smile, a triangle nose. she got a flower behind her ear. sorta, this must be what plastic surgeons feel like. we make them glow. and then they rot and collapse within themselves and become food for the bugs. sorta, this is what humans go threw is all i could think about.
we get our fancy braces and lash boosting mascara and nose jobs and fake tans and we glow with life for a bit. then we start falling apart and our skin begins to concave and our minds start to mold and then we are 6 feet under and food for the bugs,,,

my sunflowers and cosmos and wildflowers are all at least 4 inches tall. i feel proud. i feel alive. i actually feel worth something. without me these little blossoms of life would be packaged and hanging. i feed them and encourage them. they feed me and encourage me. sorta, this must be what mothers feel like

bitchhface @ 2008-10-07T16:34:00

2008-10-07T20:57:48Z

I was feeling lonely so I put on his doors shirt to remind myself that somebody loved me.
Being selfish is such a social sin but its hard not to when everything can, some how, be connected back to me. How an irrelevant shirt can relate itself to me. to me being alone. to me finding someone i love who loves me too. to me wearing a shirt of someone who i love and loves me too. how the doors have no idea i exists and still they are resolving the empty feeling gnawing at my heart.
Its just the way things work out. the way life is like a pattern and you are the constant connecting it all together. how there are millions and trillions of patterns in the world and somehow they are all connected back to me, to you, to the homeless guy sleeping under the tree, and the women getting botox. How can we not be selfish when the world is always tracing itself back to me, back to you.
Today a maintenance man came into my room. i swear he opened the door then knocked on it. I was laying on my floor wearing my doors shirt just thinking. I jumped, quick! hide the bong. How when i jumped to hide the bong a mug of champagne spilled onto my phone as my the words "mommy" started making my phone flash and dance. how that happens. how a string of things can be so ironic. How can we not be selfish when these things happen. It must be what Jesus would have felt like. Commandments and rising and leaving his mark so everything could connect back to him. selfish. No religious person will ever admit it.
You know when you see someone's face or hear a name mentioned and your mind rakes itself of every moment that person ever appeared in your eyes, in your mind. how you can relive every moment which incorporated them and finally you reach the starting point. and then you get to thinking about the starting point, the beginning. How you met the person you love today, or the person you hate today, or the person who torments you at night, or the person who changed your life. How lucky, or unlucky, that moment was but how imperative it is to who you are now. how friends of friends of friends become youre best friend and how youre best friends friend becomes your lover and how your lovers friends become your friends and how we are just like spiders always making these webs of people. how maybe the word selfish isnt right, but the idea of you being everywhere. how everyone is you. how me is everyone. how we are share this word but relate it only to ourselves. and damnit none of this is coming out right and you dont understand me but its just sitting with me, alone in my doors shirt, champagne dripping threw my toes and staining my carpet with that bitter delectable smell while my phone flashes and dances and my bong sits like a criminal under my bed. so i figured id tell you(me) what i(you) was thinking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmCTngKVodo&feature=related

2008-09-21T07:17:59Z

i love to singa
about the moona
and the juna
and the springa

I love when people play with my feet

2008-09-18T05:14:03Z

I open my windows in the morning and I can smell fall. The shadows are fall and the tastes and the pumpkins. Today I made french vanilla cupcakes and even though its not a fall flavor, it sparked the anticipation. Being in Tallahassee ill finally get to live threw seasons. Ill get to wear big furry coats and stockings and socks. I want a fire pit for the porch so we can make smores' on cold nights and hot chocolate cuckooed in blankets. We will be proudly celebrating both christmas and hanukka! Christmas trees and menorahs. haha

good laughs!
http://sverige.bloggagratis.se/2008/08/26/910736-b-batteries-d-batteries-get-a-life-video-joke/

bitchhface @ 2008-09-09T02:58:00

2008-09-09T07:44:29Z

I want to sail across the ocean. I want a cherry red sail boat with big white sails that take me to another sea. I want to do a handstand on the cliffs of greece and then let the mediteranean engulf me, soak me, clean me, purify me

bitchhface @ 2008-09-07T04:25:00

2008-09-07T08:48:35Z

I never want to forget what ive come from. Ive got my own home; my own curtains and plates and candlesticks. Ive got a smile and a bounce. but ive also got these things inside me, carved and cut and deep within myself. Tough stuff, impenetrable. All those things within myself that I hate so much. radiating from the inside, accessing reality threw me and i feel weak. used. battered. where all my no's flop to yes's and all my intentions melt with my self. fifty fifty days

I got sunflowers and purple daisies for the dinning table. One night we made lasagna with garlic bread, mashed potatoes, greek salad and confetti cupcakes with chocolate icing. Im sewing my own curtains, white and long and sheer. I want them to cover the entire window wall, one large panel of flowing blowing curtains, dancing with the breeze. windows open, some bud. some doors. some beer and some buddies. I miss my man. I cant wait till he comes crusin' up to tally, makin my heart flutter. I got some seeds, some soil and im planting a pot garden on my porch. Shasta's and poppies and sunflowers. All in all, the past outlines the future. What I am today is just a reaction of a simple strand from a man and a women thousands of years ago. homo sapian sapian (because we intelligently named ourself man superior, superior) bobbling brain and tinkering emotions, all chemical reactions, all mechanical, robot-like. Im in control. but Im not in control of im

bitchhface @ 2008-08-16T23:34:00

2008-08-17T03:43:39Z

When your mother asks me if im excited and I say it will be something new, I really mean im excited to get out of your house so I can try and be new.
When your brother asks me if Im nervous and I say nothings easy, I really mean it will be easier than under this roof.
Other people leaving talk of home sickness and it makes me sad.
Sad that I wont ever feel that.
Sad that Ive never found comfort in a mothers touch, or my fathers knee. That ill walk away from my childhood home and the places I grew up with no intentions of ever coming back. That we are so cold, that I can be so cold. That youve instilled in me a fear of needing others. That when someone comes home upset everyone tiptoes away, hiding from the duties of comfort. That when I feel alone or hurt I have no way of reaching out, That I was taught to "just smile" and hide the emotions. That my only way of coping is to push people away, and feel defenseless against despair.
Ive grown stronger than your pansy ways of living. Smarter than your blockheaded ways of dealing. And one day ill be bold enough to say this all to your face. with no tears in my ears or choke in my throat. and ill walk away, not cold like youve done to me so many times, but smiling because im proud of the life ive made for myself, regardless of your piercing comments and negative assumptions. Smiling at how I overcame your attempts at making me miserable alongside you. And this is only a livejournal, and words can only explain so much but im getting there and when it comes, its gonna feel damn good

ms. buttersworth loves mencinnai

2008-08-12T15:26:34Z

yesterday we paraded down Bellemont with all the gays in Chicago, eating cheeseburgers and Greek salads. The people up here are much more liberated and interesting. They've got so much more to show of, to entertain with. I quickly fell in love with this city. Late nights with Nic's Aunts Chrissy and Gabby, little baby asher who is the most adorable chuck of life ive encountered thus far. The first night we ordered Thai and had blue moon beer and just chatted. Nic and I have our own basement layer which is constantly freezing so at nights before bed ive gotta strip real quick and burrow in the covers before the cold arrests me! Its nice to wake up with him during the night when i cant sleep. Lately we have awoken butt to butt hehah. The weather up here is fabulous. It gets hot but there isn't any humidity like icky stick Florida so i can handle it. Plus the mornings and evenings are cool.. around 70 so i get to cuddle with my man as we walk two blocks to the ice cream store and then another mile to the theater. the walkings great too. i feel all spunky and healthy and shit. They eat vegan and organic. Usually i don't eat meat but this makes me feel truly alive and energized with organic raspberry jam and cream cheese and even ketchup! Last night i reached a calm within myself that i think will be sticking around. Talking to Chrissy and Nicolas on the brick roads of Bellemont about acid tales and cocaine nights, drinkin' beer after beer. The night was cold but i couldn't feel it. I was so warm with my baby and my beer. I got a house bong! its pretty neato with its swirls, tall in all its glory. I also got a joint roller because im a pussy. This entry is pretty pointless, but id like to remember these days as the days i finally broke free of part of me that has been broken for the past three years. I got a tattoo and today Im getting another one. I think some sort of bird, some sort of representation of my liberation that feels so good! Nic got the vitiruvian man on his upper back. It looks damn good and damn sexy. Im really content with life. Ive got a beautiful new home waiting for me in Tallahassee. Im just grateful when i read my thoughts now compared to a year ago. Happiness is possible for anyone, just take responsibility for your own life. I hate the blame game. yes, shit sure happens. Pick up the pieces and make shit happen!

bitchhface @ 2008-08-05T01:21:00

2008-08-05T05:58:42Z

Today was my last day at Walgreens. Thats one years worth of memories to say goodbye to. Its weird how images can capture the the memories. Like a sponge my surroundings are saturated with my past, and the trees and the road signs and the houses and the turns all trigger a splurge of nostalgia. Like a wave crashing into the instant, the present inhibited by the past. Instant. im 5 digging in trees with keys, opening the doors to alternative worlds, insant. im 18 with my own laptop in my hands and an apartment in my future, instant. im 11 and sitting in my first photography class with Mr. sherwood, making movies on macs and penciln' pictures with numbers and dates, instant. im 18 with a some bud and my baby, skin and smitten' and glittering tension. instant. college, rent, groceries. instant. graduation, alcohol, house. instant. martinis. instant. babies. instant. broken bones and wiser souls. Sometimes i feel like nothing. Like everything is around me and i am invisible and its a relief. to drown in a calm quieted mind. a distraction from the distractions so deep i am unconscious with movin' muscles and kickin' brain waves smothered by bone and skin. I feel like the nothing between your fingers and toes. so minute my actions make no ripples. and sometimes im okay with that. i look at what ive got and i think damn, im not doin so bad. i took what i liked so ive gotta like what i took. ive got to take what ive got and do the best i can with it. Im laughing when things are funny and cringing when things get tough and my heart is still repeating so i guess im not doin so bad.

i want to read books and write books and paint on porches. move to the czech and be an english teacher. soaking up the culture of others. traveling and growing and learning and experiencing. i want to experience everything. i dont see words. or hear them. or have them talk back to me. reminisce with me and define me. our communication skills are so minimal and restricted. if only me and you and everyone could accurately and entirely explain. to dream as i dream and to mash together our dreams making them large and strong and inevitable.
my words become such generalities of what im really thinking. i need to think before i speak. and speak more intentionally.
and so its not so bad, but there is something in me craving the scent of fresh meat. fresh faces and laughs and smiles. and i curse my my dreams for the ultimate doom of expectation but i am grateful for the ambition that burns so strongly in me

Uninhibited.

2008-07-22T05:27:28Z

In a race to get the picture right I fall defeated by time. I can count my days until everything will end.
And then begin again.
That moment, when the song stops but you never realized it was playing till its dead. It hasn't hit me yet but I'm crawling with anticipation. Hesitant with every fresh thought that this, this will be the neuron release coated with a mixture of excitement and fear. Blazing threw me like a fire destroying the wilderness of my past. Guilt and pleasure, anticipation and hesitation, acceptance and denial, All straining at my mind, at my body. And my body retaliating with convulsions of emotion. My body and head ache. Im tired and restless. But even amidst the anguish my dreams cannot be crushed. I want a bike with a basket and a baby-seat. Massachusetts, Oregon sippin' on sherry watching the sunset. livin' on raspberries and watermelon. Maybe ill live on a cranberry bog, or a Christmas tree farm. Living off the land with my knees dirty and thumbs green. Christmas parties in June and halloween everyday.
Life will be mine for the makin'... And i want it all

bitchhface @ 2008-07-06T02:32:00

2008-07-06T06:36:07Z

There are so many names and faces being lost somewhere between my brain and my lips. Life is what you make . Bottles of wine and lunchables and sprawling hills. All bright green and vibrant. Watermelon is my new favorite food. If I had to eat one thing for the rest of my life, id choose watermelon or ice cream. Vanilla bean. I want so many things and im tired of waiting and procrastinating. Beer for breakfast. Pancakes and eggs and pickles and sunrises. Im excited to see what happens

bitchhface @ 2008-07-02T21:57:00

2008-07-03T01:57:46Z

"Even amidst fierce flames the golden lotus can be planted."